Smells like shrimp, and I like it…

An illustrated story of the devilish night/morning of yesterday. Check your ID before you fly…

0h/2am – The night

Whenever you need a website to have an FAQ page, they do… only to find that the question in case, was never thought of to put in the list (of course).
2 days before a flight, I figure out that my ID has expired.
The logical thing is to do a new one (which now has been replaced by the “Unique Card”) or a passport. So I searched the web on the weekend, to see what I could do the fastest way on Monday morning.
– The new card takes in least 3 days, having to pay more for the emergency.
– The passport can be done in the same day, if properly finished by noon, and delivered by 6pm, but costs 95€ more.
So, with only these two options I decided to wait for the next day to see the results. But before…

2h/4.30am – The after-night

The cat had just started her “Imma-make-your-life-miserable” week, with the need of male cat for a little snogging. So the past days have been a no sleep in the house. If I was touching her, God in heaven almighty and she would just be quiet. But if for one second I’d stop touching her, she’d start miauwoing all over the place. So I stayed until 4.30 am trying to put some sense in her (no dirty jokes here please), until I decided it was time to get some sleep…

9:30 – Loja dos Açores (Campo Pequeno)

(a place where you can do the card without the crowds)
I get there half an hour before, just to make sure I was #1.
At the sound of 10, the doors open and I immediately pop the question:

Me – “I need to fly on Wed, and I don’t have an ID. How long does it take to do it?”
Man – “3 days the least, and you have to pay an emergency fee!”

Shit, no good. I got out and headed back to Chiado to get to the Governo Civil.

10:24 – Governo Civil (Chiado)

Passport is a no go without a valid ID.

Old Lady – You can’t do it like that, it’s written on the wall. Didn’t you saw it?
Me – (Shit no) I’m running to try and find a way to get my ID.
Old Lady – Well, either you do the new card and bring back the confirmation (that your ID is being renewed) so we can do the passport, or you try and do the Urgent ID.
Me – What? How come I never heard of it anywhere?
Old Lady – They used to be on Areeiro, but now they moved to Expo. You can always try there…

10:46 – Subway (Chiado)

I’m just gonna take some pics on the Photomaton, in case I might came in need of them today. Who knows.
Smile. Pose. FLASH. Money in, pics out.

11:45 – Oriente / Campus da Justiça

After walking some minutes and finding out the place, I get a security who I ask:

Me – Where can I do the ID?
Security – Do you have the new card, proof that you’ll be flying and 2 pictures?
Me – The new card?!? What?
Security – Well, if you ain’t got none, there’s no point. But hey, try your luck inside if you want.

2m later…

Lady – Do you have the new card, proof that you’ll be flying and 2 pictures?
Me – (FUCK) Are you serious? I need to do the new card? I thought that was why I was coming here to do the new ID.
Lady – No, you still need proof that it’s being renewed, so that we can give you a valid ID for 1 year. Plus proof of flying, and pics. If you get them before 2pm, we can still deliver it today, if not, tomorrow 1pm the new ID is here.
Me – Ok, sounds like the best option. Just need to take the subway, go home again, grab the tickets, take the subway again, do the new card, take the proof, take the subway again and get back to expo, give all documents, and make the new ID, all that before 2pm. Great…
Lady – Here’s some places you can do the new card. (and gives me a list)
Me – Oh no, thanks. I already have a place that’s always empty, just been there this morning and there was no one there. I’ll try my luck there.
Lady – Ok, but just in case take this list. The best is in Olaias.

12:15 – Entering subway

I remember that the guys over the Loja dos Açores might close down for lunch. So I call a friend to see if he can find this out for me. No luck on that. So now I have two options:
a) Try the place in Olaias where I have no idea where it is, and probably loose lots of time to get there, and to take the card.
b) Try my luck and pray that the place is empty when I get there and is still open.
I decide to move to the same place I’ve been before. In least that one I knew where it was.

12:29 – Loja dos Açores (Campo Pequeno)

As I’m getting in, I noticed there was still half an hour to lunch. I was feeling lucky.
I get in and the lady tells me to sit down and asks if I’m there for the new card.

Me – Yes please!
Lady – Well, unfortunately the systems arent’t working at the moment.
Me – (WTF!!! C*CK S*CKER) Excuse me? Really?
Lady – Yeah, it’s been out of service the last minutes and hasn’t came back.
Me – Bah… I’m really out of luck.
Lady – *picks up the phone* – talks to some tech dude – *hangs the phone*. Well, we really don’t know how much time this takes to be solved.
Me – Well, can you tell me if this is a local thing, or will it be the same anywhere?
Lady – Oh wait, just got back online.

The next moments were straight out of a sci-fi movie. A computer looking back at me, no dark fingers, only some glass touchscreens with red lights to place your fingers. All very high tech. I must say I was impressed, until the machine measure my height and chopped off 2cm of my (already big) height. The lady asks me if this is normal, and I just replied “well yeah. Sometimes it’s the opposite and I even grow 10cm of hair over night…”
Finally finish the new card, the lady was very helpful and gave me the confirmation that my new card was getting done.

1pm – Subway (Chiado)

I had previously called my gf to get me the tickets of the trip and to take them to the subway, otherwise I’d lose another half an hour just to get home and get back to the subway. We meet, I get the tickets, and run to get there in time.

1.38pm – Oriente again (Campus da Justiça)

The lady was still the same, and was very helpful in all the steps (notice that this is very important to tell, since I’m always getting the nasty and crancky old ladys). With all the documents in hand, and with less then 10m to do it all so that I could still have the ID that day, I started to fill in the papers. Here, everything was still oldschool. The lady asks me to face the wall, and measures me with an old ruler. She asks me why did they took 2cm of my new card, when in fact my height was the same as in my old ID. I didn’t care, and now I had 2 different heights on the documents. Next, I sat down, signed everything and finally the lady takes my finger and dunks it in a dark ink, used for the fingerprints. Now this is what I’m talking about. Real ink. Yeah! None of that red laser to catch your fingerprints. Give me the dirty version, yeah!!
In the end, she hands me one of those tissues that we use whenever you go out and eat shrimp. Just love the smell, and as I’m cleaning myself,

I ask: “well, how much is this gonna cost me now?”
Lady – Nothing actually. It’s free!

Note to the webdesigners of these ID sites. Add to the FAQ lists “There’s an ultra fast one year valid ID you can do that doesn’t cost anything!”.
BTW, the cat isn’t a tattoo, the old lady didn’t had glasses on, and the blonde wasn’t that pretty.